Alright folks, let's have a little chat about one of nature's beauties that can become a real pain in the backyard if you're not prepared - herons! Yeah, I'm talking about those tall, gangly birds with the long legs and razor-sharp beaks that somehow manage to look both majestic and goofy at the same time. For many of us suburban homeowners, coming across a striking great blue heron patrolling the edge of a backyard creek or pond is a real treat at first. We're in awe of these prehistoric-looking dinosaur birds tiptoeing through the shallows, standing statue-still for what seems like hours, just waiting to strike at unsuspecting fish or frogs with their jagged daggers of beaks. But then, one day, you realize that Mr. Heron has made your neighborhood waterbody its new permanent hangout. The next thing you know, it's bringing friends and family to roost. And these backyard guests are anything but polite houseguests - they're the absolute worst! Within weeks, you've got an entire dang heron village squatting in your trees and on your roof. A constant, cacophonous noise of harsh shrieks and guttural croaks as the freeloading herons bicker with each other from dawn till dusk. Your lawn and gardens are being carpet bombed by their disgusting white wormy poop bombs. And just wait until you see the fish population in your once-pristine koi pond get obliterated by these feathered terminators!  Yep, these clever, creepy herons can very quickly go from a backyard curiosity to a full-blown nuisance, even a menace when they decide to nest en masse. So what's a homeowner to do when confronted with waves of these slender, stilted squatters who seem to think your outdoor living space is their new permanent vacation villa? Well, I'm here to share some hard-earned wisdom about coexisting with suburban herons in a way that (hopefully) doesn't turn your happy homestead into an all-out avian war zone. Stock up on earplugs, cover your koi pond, and let's get into it! First and foremost, the absolute worst thing you can do is try to handle this city heron invasion head on. Don't even think about touching a nest, eggs, or worse - getting physical with these birds in any way. That's a major federal crime just waiting to happen, as herons are protected migratory species. I've seen way too many well-meaning homeowners wind up slapped with massive fines, even misdemeanor charges for messing with these birds during nesting season. They may look goofy, but they're no joke - herons can get incredibly defensive and aggressive if you go poking around their nests or chicks. Many a plumber, roofer, or overzealous homeowner has gotten a nasty laceration from those spear-like beaks! Just ask my pal Earl, who almost lost an eye tangling with an angry papa heron.
So how do we humanely shoo away these dinosaur squatters and reclaim our green spaces if we can't touch or harass them directly? There's a few clever tactics to try: Herons don't love getting startled or having sudden movements around their nesting areas. So try setting up little automated water sprayers, shiny hanging ribbon dancers, or even a regular old oscillating fan aimed at their favorite tree hangouts. The constant disruption and moving objects nearby can often work to discourage herons from hunkering down. A big reason these birds favor suburban trees and bushes is the convenient, protective cover herons love for their massive stick nests. Do some preemptive pruning and clearing away of heavy foliage to make your landscaping way less appealing as future nesting real estate.  Herons are naturally drawn to areas like koi ponds, decorative streams, or other artificial backyard water features - it's like an all-you-can-eat fish buffet to these opportunists! Get some heavy duty pool netting or chicken wire covers to keep them from diving in for a meal. Use Decoys and Frightening Eye Balloons This one is weird, but it works! Herons like their personal space, and find scary eyeball shapes and predator silhouettes very off-putting around their nesting grounds. Hang up some fake owl or snake decoys, or reflective eye-shaped balloons to scare them away. Whatever harmless hazing tactics you pick, it's crucial to be consistent and keep on it! Herons are smart, they'll just ignore scare methods that come and go. But if you keep up the barrage of slights and unpleasantries, even these stubborn birds will eventually decide to beat it and move elsewhere. Finally, one homeowner trick that tends to work well is an audio assault of embarrassing noises and sounds. Herons hate loud machinery or power tool noises, plus annoying music like all-polka stations or little kid bop. Set those speakers to blasting all day and evening! Of course, even with all these tricks up your sleeve, the reality is some herons may dig in their heels (or should I say, talons) and just refuse to unroost. You may have to suck it up and simply learn to coexist temporarily with your noisy, rude feathered houseguests until they naturally migrate elsewhere.  By covering up and protecting your fish ponds, using white poop tarps and draping anything valuable, you can at least try to contain the worst of their bad habits. And trust me, once those juvenile herons are grown and take to the skies, you'll welcome the peace and quiet - for a few months at least until they cycle back!
At the end of the day, though, you also have to admire the tenacity of these big, brazen backyard bullies a little bit. Herons are incredible, wildly successful survival specialists that have managed to carve out space to nest and feed from even the most crowded suburban neighborhoods and parks. In their defense, they were roosting along those lush creek beds and coves long before our pesky human housing developments encroached and turned their traditional turf into a glorified storm drainage system. It's just the age-old conflict of wildlife versus human takeover of green spaces. So while they make for less-than-ideal backyard roommates with their bad manners, we've also got to give these ancient-looking avians some credit for their adaptable ways. Because at the end of your heron hassles is a pretty cool lesson: where there's a will, there's a way - even for dinosaur-adjacent birds to make it work nesting in our modern concrete jungles! Maybe the backyard battle of suburban homeowner versus punk rock heron squatter is just an annual rite of passage we should learn to embrace, like the changing seasons. Who are we to kick them out of their ancestral territories? Look at it as our job to be the gracious, if occasionally peeved, human hosts for a few months a year. As long as we keep things relatively comfortable and polite for both sides through some coexistence compromises, we can let these clever birds get their nesting businesses handled each spring before migrating on their merry way once again. Just think of it as the avian version of an in-law visit - endure the short-term annoyance, then breathe that sweet sigh of relief once the houseguests have flown the backyard coop! Thanks for listening and remember to like and share wherever you get your podcasts.