This is the fifth conversation with John and I and to be honest this was my favorite. Here is what John wrote to summarize this episode:
"Step-parenting was a touchy subject for me. Slowly I’ve come to recognize the role that a step-parent plays in the life of the kids that come with a marriage. But it’s been a slow journey along a path that has at times angered me and at other times filled me with fear. The truth is that while I was married I lacked incredibly as a parent, as a dad. I worked and provided as one should do, but I wasn’t fully there mentally or emotionally. I’ve always felt like I lacked something in life. That has ranged from confidence and belief in myself to an ideal of monetary success. So getting married and having a child wasn’t something that was planned or well thought out. It was an escape of sorts from a life of addiction and failure and solitude. I wasn’t prepared to be a loving husband nor was I capable of being a loving parent. I felt like marriage and children would add some credibility to an otherwise destitute life. Instead I brought havoc to the relationship and a roller coaster of emotions to family life.
Once I separated and ultimately divorced I became incredibly fearful of losing my children, first to weekend visitations, then to Ana’s eventual husband. I sought split-custody hoping to remain a constant presence in my girls’ lives. And though I truly wanted to be very much involved in their lives, I remained ignorant of what it took to be a fully-involved parent. That decision, like many in my life was fear based. However, it was the right decision nonetheless. The unfounded fear of losing them to a step-parent was derived from the fact that I had not been a good father.
As my relationship with my girls strengthened and I became a better father, my fears slowly dissipated. I now saw clearly and knew that I wasn’t going to lose my girls. They knew who their dad was. What I had to accept was that other people were going to love my girls, and that included Ana’s husband. That also included his parents and siblings and a host of other people that I wouldn’t necessarily have a relationship with. And if they weren’t harming them I had no right to dictate their relationship to my girls. I wanted to always be in control, but I couldn’t exercise control over Ana’s new family, which now included a step-parent.
Whereas I once voiced my disapproval and let it be known that there wasn’t any need for a step-parent because I was present, I now recognize the role that Ana’s husband plays. He hasn’t stepped in to replace me, rather, he has stepped up and has taken the responsibilities of a parent when either of us could be there. He has taught my girls things that I couldn’t teach them because he has knowledge in areas to which I am ignorant. And instead of being jealous and angry at such a notion, as I have been at times, I’ve come to see the benefit in it. He is another source of knowledge for my girls. He also takes them to school and picks them up when Ana cannot. My little girl was once able to spend the day with him at his work when she had a day off from school and we couldn’t take off. I have come to appreciate what he does and the role he plays. It’s important as well. And many of times underappreciated. I’ve only recently come to this knowledge.
Now I am in a relationship with a woman who has two young children. The very role that I resisted for my own children may very well be the role I play in her children’s lives. And I have no desire to steal them away from their father. It seems ludicrous that I’d feel that way regarding another person coming into my girls’ lives. But as I’ve admitted, my feelings were fed by fear. I only want to be a positive influence in her children’s lives. My desire is to help where I can, lend my support and be an anchor in all their lives. I never imagined I’d be in this position, but here I am. "

Thank you for listening

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