21 MAY 2024 · I get that you're on vacation at a destination AirBnB that includes a personal chef, for which you dropped some serious coin, nearly as much as I still owe for those two post-high-school years I was "finding myself" as a philosophy major. But I am a top-notch professional chef and you have opposable thumbs, so, like I've told everyone before you, you can go fucking microwave your own damn Hot Pockets. My ingredient selection is exquisite. My technique is flawless. And my signature dish? One customer texted me years later that she still channels her memory of the multi-sensory experience of my barramundi-and-pheasant stuffed pastry every time her billionaire eighty-six-year-old husband begs her to orgasm. This refusal to microwave your damn Hot Pockets has nothing to do with the fact that I understand that part of my gig means providing execrable comfort food to horde after cretinous horde of gold-plated, silver-spooned, lead-palated philistines like you. You want pizza? Fine. I can make any style, even top it with my own spin on that abominable ranch dressing shit you eat, and bake it in my brick oven outside that runs hotter than your wet dreams of Russian porn stars. Kids craving chicken nuggets? I'll slaughter and pluck the bird, grind the meat and shape it, and fry it up so good that your brats will just shake and bow their heads for the rest of their pampered nepo-baby lives every time they get driven by a set of Mickey Fuckin' D's golden arches. Hell, even taquitos, I'll make the tortillas myself, fill them with world-class ingredients, and roll that shit up so skillfully that when you wrap your lips around one of those suckers, it feels better than smoking, depending upon your preferences, a two-inch-thick 40-year-old primo Cuban stogie, an enormous joint of world-class cured Jamaican ganja, or a tumescent Leo DiCaprio's undersized fuckstick. Look, I do understand this hankering. Everyone loves Hot Pockets. There have even been times when I've gotten home and downed one or three myself after a long shift catering to over-privileged, under-appreciative, and precisely perfectly unbearable shit-asses exactly like you. And I grant that getting Hot Pockets just right, uniformly warm with the inside melted but the outside still crisp, that ain't easy - I know as a chef I shouldn't admit this, but sometimes, just the thought of the slight resistance my teeth feel before piercing the skin of a Hot Pocket, then the sensuality of the ham cubes' weight on my tongue as the luscious cheddar gently caresses it, gets me more turned on than Lauren Baubert in a crowded movie theater. But I am not your errand-monkey-slash-Man fucking-Friday, who on cue will throw any shit in the microwave like it's tossing a six-week-old turtle carcass in your neighbor's trashcan (not that I've ever done that). If that's your thing, next time rent an AirBnB that includes a personal servant, tip him a couple hundos, and he'll microwave your damn Hot Pockets as if his shot at getting a visa to escape his shitty job on this godforsaken Caribbean speck depended on it. Better yet, slip him a few thou, and he'd probably be willing to keep your Hot Pockets body-temp warm 24/7 by cutting them in half, stuffing them in zip-lock bags, swallowing them, and then, whenever you're hungry, shitting them out on command drug-mule style. Hey, whatever floats your boat, or, in your case, whatever floats that glass-bottomed vessel you've rented for an hourly rate more than my quarterly fucking apartment lease so you can gaze down at bigger versions of the same damn fishes you could see in the office aquarium of your bucktoothed kids' two-grand-an-appointment orthodontist. So, ask me to chef up whatever the fuck you can imagine - animal, vegetable, even fucking mineral. Name any three ingredients and I'll cook that shit so good you'll need a cigarette afterwards. But if you want your damn Hot Pockets, you can go ahead and nuke them your own damn self.

21 MAY 2024 · Due to recent campus events and world climate, Stanwyck College Alumni Weekend will look slightly different this year. But have no fear; we plan on having a robust schedule of events that will allow you to connect and reminisce with your old classmates. FRIDAY, JUNE 2 2 p.m. Campus Tours (Leaves from Stanwyck Statue) This will include a guided tour of our current protest encampments by current (and past) students and, according to some media outlets, professional organizers. We encourage you to stop and share your Stanwyck College experiences and how you DIDN'T protest, occupy administrative buildings, or purposely keep the college in a negative news cycle. 6 p.m. Helicopter Rides (Seaport Heliport - Ground Level Lounge) Take a moonlight helicopter ride… to Washington, D.C! This is an excellent opportunity to see our campus from above and speak to a congressional panel on behalf of the college. It is also a terrific networking opportunity to hobnob with the political elite and defend the college against all allegations of encouraging and using a weaponized police force to disperse a student's peaceful political demonstration. You could even deny that the college is both Anti-Semitic and Anti-Muslim. Talking points and light snacks are provided! 9 p.m. Sleep In The Unoccupied Dorms Relive your dorm days by bunking up with your old college roommate or someone you just met! We ask that you turn lights on in various rooms, play music, and maybe even throw a kegger! Just make it look like students are back in the dorms, drawing attention away from the student occupation in Jefferson Quad. SATURDAY, JUNE 3 8 a.m. Continental Breakfast (Campus Center) Share a delicious breakfast of various muffins, coffee, and teas. Meet up with current student's parents. Feel free to tell the parents that the college is doing its best to ensure their children get the best education possible, and there is no reason to ask for a refund, demand a refund, or threaten to sue because classes were canceled for more than half the semester! 9 a.m. Walking Tour of Campus (Leaves from Clock Tower) If you missed Friday's walking tour, here is your opportunity to see what changes we have made to the campus and our future vision. Also, if you could PLEASE ask the protesters to leave and clean up the encampment, that would be a huge solid. Upon request, we can provide you with riot gear and tear gas. 11 a.m. Welcome Address from Our New Chancellor (Campus Center) …And that New Chancellor could be YOU! We will have a Hunger Games-like drawing to decide who will run the college. Your responsibility will include figuring out what to do with the protests, explaining to the media AND parents our point of view (your call as to what that could be), and what we (you, again!) plan on doing going forward. Our students must have a voice! And that is where our alumni come in! We are cool with whatever you decide, just as long as you say it was all your idea! Noon Lunch (Central Building - Davenport Tech Lab) Box lunches are available, and vegetarian options will be provided. It is "Grab 'N Go," as in "Grab your food and go quickly" through the growing protest tents and tarps. Settle in and relax in the nearby bushes to eat lunch. The administration has been doing this all semester. 3 p.m. Paintball Tournament (Campus Center, Game Room) Come alone or sign up as a team. This is one of the last opportunities for fun and connecting with other alumni. The paintball game will spill out into the student protest encampment, and we hope this gives you a nonviolent (but effective) way of clearing out the protestors. The winning team that paintballs the most tents gets a free Stanwyck Athletic t-shirt. And, of course, BRAGGING RIGHTS! 4:30 p.m. Decide Whether Graduation Is Canceled (Campus Center, Atrium) We will break into breakout groups to decide whether to hold graduation or secretly mail out diplomas. It should be fun to kick back, relax, and find legitimate reasons not to have ...

17 MAY 2024 · Washburn County Public School District Town Hall Meeting with Superintendent Rogers: Tuesday 6pm All right! Hey, look at this, you were all able to locate the meeting, even though we changed the date several times and really buried the livestream link. Great! Impossibly great. Let's get started. Thank you teachers, students, parents, bus drivers, members of the press, infrastructural hobbyists, internet voyeurs, casual enthusiasts of lighthearted catastrophes, and the mercilessly vocal national and international public for attending this hybrid online and in-person Washburn County Public School meeting. Here we… all… are. Great. As Superintendent, preparer of the county educational budget, let me reiterate that I take all of your concerns regarding the bus issue of the past year to heart, be they via email, phone, fax, sideways glances, word of mouth, and one 96 count Crayola Crayon box thrown through my lake house window. Looks like "Bittersweet" isn't just a color anymore! It is a color though. As we wind down this academic year, we reflect how we've overcome - maybe how we've thrived - since our opening day in August and "The Incident." In case you don't recall, The Incident, simply put, was the failing of the newly implemented Washburn County Public School Bus pickups and drop offs on the first day of school, August 9th. Unfortunately, the bus routes were insufficiently planned. Some children were forced to run across interstates to new bus stops, nearly exposing them to the fates of turtles on a pond road. Some children left and returned to their homes in the morning and evening twilight hours. One student was deposited at home so late she encountered the Henderson Road Ghost, who of course has walked the stretch past Breakers Creek for two hundred years since her fiancée got cold feet and pushed her out of a carriage on their wedding night. Anyway, the new bus routes were so catastrophic that I made the decision to cancel all school for two weeks as we returned to the old bus route system, leading many students to lose their enthusiasm for enforced learning. In the wake of The Incident, the Board made the decision to hire the Bigger Picture Investigative Services company to perform an audit on the "human failings" and "automation bias" that led to The Incident. I was happy to oblige, as I am wracked with guilt. I am so deeply sorry that you all feel bad about what happened, and so deeplier sorry that I wrote things in emails that should have been phone calls. It is also with profoundly humble humility that I now announce the release of Bigger Picture's 658 page audit of The Incident, its leadup and aftermath. I will just share the highlights now with you, except with those of you clearly leaving to order takeout and read the whole thing at home like it's the eighth Harry Potter book: Harry Effs the Bus Routes. Okay, highlights… 1) Superintendent Rogers Attends National Superintendent's Conference in Reno, Nevada and is approached by MAXIBUS ROUTE TECH. In retrospect, it's possible I could have deduced that the Maxibus team was not qualified for the task at hand, and was in fact a weekend startup run by a three high school students trying to sell a Unicorn and retire by drinking age. I could have done more investigation, requested references, or asked who the President was the year Brad, the CEO, was born. I could have called the phone number on the web site which I now understand belongs to the Butternut Basin Ski Lodge Gift Shop. But we were in a time crunch! We needed tech solutions for a human shortage problem. Then Brad explained their automation routes intricately on a cocktail napkin at the Silver Dollar Lounge. I took their word, being an earnest person, and offered them a non-compete contract and a canvas sack of education department cash. 2) Superintendent Rogers expresses an automation bias in hotel room internet search: "Robot Help For Humans for Drive Bus." Look you jackals, robots do lots of things for us...

17 MAY 2024 · "The question, directed towards women, seems simple: Would you rather be alone in the woods with a man or a bear? A good number of women prefer the bear." ~CNN "Bumble to Users: You Need Sex. Users to Bumble: Get Lost." ~The New York Times Unless you've been living in a hole in the ground, you've probably already heard of me. I'm the Bear that a majority of women say they would rather encounter in the woods than a human man. (Unrelated: I actually do live in a hole in the ground.) I've recently been approached by the dating app company Bumble. They're having some problems with women-similar problems that human men seem to have with women. Neither Bumble nor human men can figure out what women want. They were both hoping it would be straight-up sex, but the women are not responding positively to that pressure from either party. Out of desperation to save its flailing "feminist" dating app, Bumble just offered me a position as their next CEO. First, I said, "What's a CEO?" Then, I said, "I'm a bear." Next, I said, "I live in a hole in the ground," because I was afraid they might want me to move to New York. Then I said, "Wait, is your logo a beehive full of delicious honey?" The Bumble people told me to focus and asked me what I think women want. They said, "All the women keep picking you over human men, so you must know." I told them I don't believe there's one simple answer to what all women want because women are whole and unique human beings who have a variety of goals and desires and preferences. I did have some ideas, though, about what women might NOT want, and I was willing to share my bear perspective on that in case it could help human men reconsider some of their habits that might be working against them in the dating market. For example, as a bear: I don't ride a motorcycle. I don't speak in weird cliches about partners in crime or fluency in sarcasm. I don't lie about my height. When I catch a fish, I just eat the fish. I don't need to get all performative about it and take selfies with the fish and whatnot. I own my den and have no need for money, so I never ask women for money or a place to crash. As a hibernating animal, I respect the importance of good sleep, so I don't text women late at night and say, "You up?" I never try to mate with juvenile bears. That's disgusting. I also mentioned that when women want to be left alone, I just leave them alone. The Bumble people eyed me suspiciously and said, "What's your game, Bear?" I said, "There is no game. I don't think women want to play games. I think women just want to be treated like other bears and sometimes left alone when they say so." The Bumble people looked at me strangely and cocked their heads back and forth the way I've seen confused wolves do, and I thought I was getting through to them, but then all of a sudden they screamed, "WAIT!!! We've got it!!! We know what women want: THEY WANT TO DATE AI BOTS!" and then they just left. So I guess I'm not going to be the CEO of Bumble after all, which is fine. To be honest, I was relieved when they left. After meeting with the Bumble people I totally get why women keep picking me.

15 MAY 2024 · To all the friends and family gathered here today, to all of the amazing professors, and most importantly, to my peers: My heart is full today as I look out and see hundreds of familiar usernames. I'm honored to have the opportunity to celebrate this milestone with you all. College is a unique experience. Uniquely formative, uniquely exciting, uniquely challenging, and let's admit it, uniquely sleep-depriving. I'm joking of course. But to be standing here before you today as a college graduate has made every midnight deadline and 8 a.m. lecture worth it. I am excited for us to leave this Zoom meeting with our heads held high, knowing that we are the next generation of thinkers and doers. I'm also super excited to tell you about a service that has changed my life, Hello Fresh. Whether I had a big exam coming up, was swamped with extracurricular activities, or just wanted a healthy and delicious meal, Hello Fresh kept my fridge stocked with tasty, ready-made meal kits - allowing me to spend less time in the kitchen and more time in the library. Try Hello Fresh today! Now, I want to start my address by highlighting the achievement of a student who I think embodies the passion and creativity that defines us as University of Phoenix students. Carlos Freitas is a first-generation college student from Mexico City, Mexico. He studies Computational Biology and Visual Arts, combining his passion for research with his passion for painting. Carlos's experience exemplifies the flexible and unique approach University of Phoenix students take to higher education. Because of people like Carlos, I learned the importance of tailoring my education to my interests. Carlos didn't have to choose between science and the arts, and with Manscaped, you don't have to choose between cost and convenience. Manscaped's new Lawn Mower 4.0 is an affordable solution for all of your male grooming needs. Plus, it's portable, waterproof, and has a battery life of up to 6 hours! Carlos didn't have to settle, so why should you? Manscaped's Lawn Mower 4.0 - get yours today. As I think back to all the classes, all the exams, and yes, all the parties - sorry, Mom, plug your ears for this part - I know this year's graduating class is uniquely prepared to go out and tackle the world ahead of us. As I reflect on my time here at the University of Phoenix, I think about the educators whose words will stick with me long after I've left this cyber-learning space. For those of you who also took Econ 101 with Professor Tomlinson, it's like he always said… "ZipRecruiter is the #1 rated job site in the US. Unlike traditional online employment sites, ZipRecruiter curates opportunities for job-seekers and matches businesses to prospective employees. If you're looking for a job, make ZipRecruiter your first stop on the way to employment." In closing, as you go forth from these breakout rooms, I want you to always remember this place and these people. We all came to the University of Phoenix for different reasons, but I think I speak for everyone here when I say that none of us knew just how life-changing this experience would be. Today you leave the University of Phoenix, but the University of Phoenix will never leave you. Congratulations to the class of 2024! But before I go, I'd be remiss if I didn't tell you about a college that's changing thousands of people's lives across the country and beyond: Grand Canyon University. GCU provides flexible, well-rounded educational programs tailored to every student's individual needs, whether you're looking to earn your bachelor's, master's, or doctoral degree. Over 90,000 students matriculate yearly, and most GCU graduates report feeling satisfied in their careers after graduation. GCU - making a world-class education accessible and affordable.

14 MAY 2024 · Hey lovers! So much has changed in the field of human romantic relationships since I last wrote. Yes, it's only been a week, but we've got lots of new ground to cover. It's hard to imagine that relationship experts in the biblical era thought when butt-play was discovered in the ancient cities of Sodom and Gomorrah that we'd crossed the final threshold. Boy, were they wrong. Let's dive into the latest. Key trends to know: #1 - Clowning Believed to have emerged from a disbanded circus troupe residing in the Phoenix metropolitan area, clowning refers to a practice of having sex in full clown costume. That's right, folks! Wigs, makeup, too-large shoes, the full regalia, with, of course, some strategic holes cut into the striped bodysuit. I spoke to my colleague in the field, Dr. Sheila Garrond, a researcher in the study of character sex, about what makes this practice diverge from other costumed groups. First, she seemed hesitant to answer. "I told you I'm an anthropologist," Dr. Garrond said, but I pressed for more details. "Can you stop asking me these weird clown sex questions?" she added. Asked if it might be fair to say that clowning represents a new form of expression and the broad spectrum of creativity she said, "Huh. Lose this number." That left me to investigate this long-misunderstood community on my own. Turns out many famous clowns throughout the ages have been wrongly maligned. Pennywise was not an evil gutter monster, merely a man hiding his clowning practice from a conservative wife. Bozo the clown could not be reached for comment before publication. John Wayne Gacy, well, we don't have to get into that one. #2 - Soft-clowning One of the most beautiful aspects of the clowning community is its open-minded approach to different degrees of expression. Soft-clowning refers to clowns who skip the complete outfit in favor of simpler get-ups: only a sponge nose, say, or partial clown makeup, to prevent mess. When I found a clown on the streets of Winnetka, I knew I had to ask him about this. "Sometimes, I do forget to take my socks off," Giggles said, asking to be referred to by his middle name. I told him that was a really courageous choice, and thanked him for being so brave and sharing about his sexuality. Then he said, "what's this?" a pulled a really long chain of tied-together G-strings' out of my ear. Human expression never ceases to amaze. #3 - Solo non-clown play With the rise of the clowning community, more and more individuals are choosing to describe themselves in relation to it. Naturally, some individuals find the term "masturbation," outdated and old-fashioned, and prefer to use "solo non-clown play" instead. "To me, it's not the same thing," said RonaldaMcDonalda69, a popular digital content creator on OnlyFans. "I often hardcore-clown, so even when I'm not clowning, I'm still a clown." Does our society do enough to support clowns? "No," Ronalda said. "Clown cars and circus tents, these gathering places serve an important role in our community: hosting orgies. And unfortunately they are threatened by anti-circus legislation, shifting tastes and gentrification." When it comes to love and relationships, who doesn't sometimes feel like a clown? Thanks to everyone in this colorful community who bravely shared their sex-themed gimmicks with me in the course of my research, like the lube-squirting flowers many clowns wear conveniently on their lapels. That's all for this week. Remember to practice safe clowning, and thank you for mailing me all these beautiful balloon animals made out of condoms. XOXO The Relationship Expert

14 MAY 2024 · April 24, 1964: New Jersey Garage Band Installs Remote-Controlled Door, Goes Electric Bob Dylan ditching the acoustic guitar at Newport was an attention grabber, sure, but few people know that it was predated by a New Jersey garage band going electric with a controversial choice of their own: installing a remote-controlled door. The door's pivotal role in the Morristown group's set that spring evening - opening at the beginning and closing at the end - led to a rift in the Miller Street Ext. music scene. While some praised the installation as "an exciting leap forward," others were unenthused, deriding it as "offensive to the garage band ethos." Some even hurled boos and other invectives at the 140-volt motor, though roughly half of those came from jealous neighborhood dads. Undiscouraged, the trio played almost daily for three more years, punctuated only by a two-week hiatus in '67 after the lead guitarist's sister shifted into drive instead of reverse and dented the lower panel. The house, which was later sold, still stands. In lieu of a plaque at the address - the current homeowner rudely shooed this writer off his property despite a thorough explanation of its importance - the band's boldness warrants a 2,000-word feature in Rolling Stone. If not there, then Better Homes and Gardens. May 13, 1959: Boundary-Pushing Rocker Holds Acoustic Guitar A Bit Too Close to Campfire Before Jimi Hendrix set his Stratocaster ablaze in Monterey, a checkered shirt-wearing camp counselor in the Pennsylvania woods did the equivalent within the prim confines of the late '50s rock 'n' roll scene: holding his acoustic guitar abnormally close to a crackling campfire. Inspired by a block of cheddar cheese in his fridge, 19-year-old James Finch played a three-chord song called "Mild Thing." The dozen 4th graders who had gathered 'round the campfire looked on wide-eyed as he inched the headstock closer and closer to the flames until he affixed a marshmallow to where the tip of the G string stuck out above its tuning peg. It was a stroke of genius. By song's end, the mass of sugar was golden, the Fender was toasty, and the notion of what a live performance could entail had been expanded that much further. Finch, now approaching 84, is not bitter about how his contribution to popular music's mid-century escapades has been unjustly ignored by the powers that be. "The applause and laughter that night was enough, sir, really," he says, so humble after all these years. Still, what happened under that full moon was a watershed moment, even if his handwritten lyrics haven't fetched an eBay bid above this writer's offer of $400. June 1, 1980: Babbling Toddler Bites Head Off Batman Action Figure During "Happy Birthday" Concertgoers in Des Moines may have been caught off guard when Ozzy Osbourne bit the head off a live bat in the winter of '82, but unbeknownst to them, a babbling three-year-old with an antsy jaw made just as shocking a move two years prior in sunny San Diego: biting the head off his beloved Batman toy during his birthday party. Plopped in his high-chair with a hefty cake before him, Joey waved the plastic figure above the candles as family and friends began to sing. But after the penultimate line, Batman's head went "pop," and mom, dad, and even Spot darted their eyes toward the head of the table, eyebrows raised. Fortunately, it was grandma Doris who nimbly extracted the slimy item before it went anywhere it shouldn't. The flames, the decapitation, the prolonged unease of an unresolved "Happy Birthday" - it was all quite dramatic. Yet the memory of the near-choking incident has largely been confined to a dusty photo album, its significance dwarfed by Osbourne's rabies scare. Too many years have come and gone without Joseph Mariotta Jr.'s dentists knowing they had the honor of scraping plaque off the teeth of an icon. Too many of this writer's letters to his current hygienist have been met with either callous silence or a visit from the co...

10 MAY 2024 · A Moveable Girl Dinner Forget the austere glamor of Hemingway's art and alcohol-fueled 1920's Paris - the 2020s have moved the (art?) enclave online, replacing weeks-long European travels and trysts with 20-year-old "girls" nibbling cheese, crackers, and a lone piece of deli meat ham rolled into the tiniest taquito. Alice's Activism in Wonderland Upon witnessing the Red Queen's abuse of capital punishment, Alice's disillusionment with the monarchy only grows as she encounters the populous of Wonderland falling into unhealthy coping mechanisms, drug use, and addiction in an attempt to distract from a tyrannical, "colorblind" head of state. Alice takes matters into her own hands to usurp the powers-that-be and help everyone get on the Caterpillar's level with some solid smoke. The Grating Gatsby This Gatsby is blander than your aunt's mash potatoes after she decides to cut her sodium intake. Instead of parties visible from other coastlines, he throws 4-person kickbacks, posts out-of-focus TikToks about the "insane livestream going down at #casadeGatsby," and "accidentally" tags his neighbor's wife in all of them - even though she never makes an appearance. The Scarlet Unsubscribe After receiving a giant letter "C" tattooed on her chest for "serving c*nt," not snitching, and cheating on her husband with a hot priest*, Hester is canceled by her community and shadow blocked across platforms. But instead of staying "Canceled," Hester decides to rebrand herself as a sex-positive influencer who stands on business. Use code "Chilling" for 20% off at Bellesa, *Not the one from Fleabag. Weathering Inflation Heights A tempestuous, capricious inflation rate climbs higher and higher, crueler and crueler, as one weary, ambivalent mixed-class household bends to its predictably unpredictable temperament, hoping for a government-ordered rate halt that never comes. Even after they're dead and buried, inflation will burrow into the graves to continue f*cking them. Our Mutual Friend-With-Benefits When word gets around about John's rich talent for…..y'know….he quickly becomes a coveted addition to everyone's polycule. Whether they're an all-female arts collective illegally living in a two-bedroom apartment on the wrong side of town, a co-ed group of Trader Joe's employees that frequents the same Russian bath house in the city center, or three IT guys all named Dave, everyone from every sort of socio-economic background has come to call John their best friend. The Mortgage Rate Also Rises Other than the rising climate-change-affected sea-levels, increasing number of school shootings bolstered by inadequate gun control measures, and surge in TikTok-face, Jake realizes in dawning horror that even if he learns to scuba dive, survives high school, and avoids lip filler sepsis, he'll never be able to afford a home worthy of Lady Brett Ashley's sober-curious soirees. The Siblings Karamazov The children of a cheugy, affluent late-stage Millennial attempt to convince their ill-dressed, ill-tempered, and culturally-ill parent to acknowledge their pronouns, the legacy of The Wendy Williams Show, and the results of the 2020 election. All Quiet on the Post-College Employment Front Recent graduates suffer from shellshock as no companies seem to be hiring. Of the companies that are accepting applications, role descriptions list a minimum requirement of 2-years experience - even for "entry-level" positions. Deep in the job-search trenches, aspiring recruits race to upskill as yet another social media platform blows up in the hands of an incompetent general. Annananana Karenenininina After watching her Millennial brother blow up his own marriage in a mid-life-for-the-time crisis, Annananana Karenenininina - readers may opt to just call her Anna Kendrick - decides to do the same since she's 28, close to death, and her cheek fillers have nearly completed their migration. Upon engaging in non-consensual non-monogamy, Anna Kendrick is canceled by her whole social ci...

9 MAY 2024 · "My anxiety service iguana ate my homework." "I couldn't get past the group of protesters in front of the school." "My homeroom teacher is still angry that I didn't call her the day after our night together." "My bullet proof vest was still in the wash." "Militia meeting ran late." "Parents arrested for storming government building." "I was pushed out of a window by Vladimir Putin." "Parents wouldn't allow me to leave the house while the Four Horsemen were hovering in the sky over America." "Tear gas residue in classroom still causing problems with allergies." "Sent home early as punishment for requesting a book from the school library." "Poisonous paint fumes from golden Trump shoes put me and my family in the hospital for several weeks."

8 MAY 2024 · Life is a high school prom and no one asked you to be their date. Life is a dream and you showed up to work wearing no pants. Life is an orgy and we're all getting screwed. Life is an ice skating rink and you wore flip-flops. Life is an orgy and everyone is getting screwed except for me. Life is an orgy and I'm standing awkwardly in the corner at the orgy snack table watching everyone else get screwed. Life is an orgy with terrible snacks. Life is an orgy and I wasn't really invited, but showed up anyway. Life is an orgy and my hot friend Hannah was actually invited by these two dudes at the bar, but she didn't want me to feel left out, even though they were clearly only inviting her. So I gaslighted myself into believing it would be a good experience, and anyways my therapist has been telling me to get out of my comfort zone. Life is an orgy and when he said "get out of my comfort zone," I think my therapist was thinking more along the lines of Paint 'N Pour. Or maybe a bowling league. Life is an orgy and the couple in front of me just asked me to be their third, but it turns out they were actually asking the girl standing behind me. Life is an orgy and I want to leave. Life is an orgy and would it be rude to just sneak out the back door? That was not an orgy pun. It was a cry for help. Life is an orgy and I'm kind of stuck here until Hannah is finished because she is my ride home. Life is like a river, with constant ebbs and flows and weird fish shaped like penises. Life is an orgy and I'm trying really hard to think of nice imagery of rivers so I don't have a panic attack but all I can think of is weird dick fish with three eyes. Life is an orgy and I'm hyperventilating in the corner. Life is an orgy and that guy over there is getting fucked in the ass. Life is an orgy and I'm staying home next Tuesday.